January 13, 2011 I lost a day, anyone find it?

  Well hello my family and friends how is everyone doing?  Yes, a day slipped by me.  Actually it was a not so good day.  Two ladies came together from Hospice and kind of tag teamed on Mom.  I stayed home and did some much needed chores that required me to stay at the house.  I don't know what was going on with Mom - she ate quite well, for her, at lunch and dinner.  After dinner things went okay until Mom went to the bathroom.  She was all of a sudden in pain and would not get off the potty.  She kept trying and trying to go and she would cry as she tried.  Oh my goodness, just rip my heart out.  I can remember when one of my girls had that problem alot ( Iwon't give any names but, she knows who she is) I remember holding my breath and rubbing her tiny little back because that was all I could do.  It was the same with Mom - hold my breath, rub her back, encourage in a quiet voice and cry with her.  When she finally would get up and go to the bedroom it got worse.  She would not sit down and cried that it hurt so back to the bathroom for 30 minutes and very little to show for all her efforts.  I finally had to lift her up and lie her in her bed.  I hate this stincken disease!!!!!!  She did quiet down and went to sleep but, sleep wasn't to come for me.  It's like when your child isn't feeling well and they fall asleep but, you're too upset and keyed up to sleep.  So you lie there awake and listen all nite to make sure they are ok and your mind goes through a million scenarios.  Needless to say I felt drained when it was time to do the blog and didn't feel like I had the strength to even write.
  So onto today.  Mom had her Hospice aid come today and then the private aid Alice came.  I was kind of leery to leave Mom but she was in good hands. She got her bath and got all lotioned and powered.  She didn't eat very well though.  She looked drained and oh so tired.  She took naps on and off throughout the day and early evening.  She hardly ate anything.  But, this crying thing is relatively new and I hate it.  I feel so helpless.  I don't know if she is in pain or if it's a fear or just part of this disease.  All I can really do is hold her tight like she has done over the years, rock her , tell her I love her and pray out loud for her.  Like tonight as I'm writing this blog entry, Mom was in bed and asleep and as usual I had the monitor on when all of a sudden I heard her just cry and sounding like someone was hurting her.  I went into her room and she was lying there on her back as always and still whimpering so I knelt by her bed told her I was there, smoothed her hair back and started praying with her.  She calmed and I kissed her and told her I loved her and then she went to sleep.  Have I said this before, I hate this disease?  Tomorrow there will be lots of female family members here to be around Mom and support her - she after all is our very strong matriarch -she is the one who showed us strength and taught us to be strong and independent women.  I love seeing our, mainly women family, and to see and feel their strength and intelligence.  I feel stronger for it.  Sorry this blog is a little on the sad side but, "what it is, is what it is".  Everyone have a wonderful and happy Friday.  Thanks again for all your participation and support.