Thursday, January 6, 2011
January 6, 2011
I really don't know where to start the blog tonight. There are so many emotions running through my heart and head. Mom just looks so frail and she isn't eating very well. It is an hour long job sometimes just getting her to eat what I feel couldn't even keep a bird alive. She seems to be slipping away. She looks to me sometimes like she just hasn't the strength to go on any longer. Today Uncle Jimmy and Tommy came to visit. It was so great to see them but, I felt this dark heaviness over all of us. The three "kids" were together, something they have always enjoyed so much, but Mom was only there in body. She really didn't show any emotion at all. I look at her and see a box that looks like my Mom but the inside is empty. No sign of Martha in it. I feel like my heart is so heavy that it is just going to fall out of my chest. For the last few days, with the new medicine, Mom will be walking and just stop so I'll walk over to her to check on her and I'll put my arms around her and hug her and she will just lay her head on my chest like she is just weary. I know the medicine has alot to do with it but it is still so sad. Well, I guess this whole blog is kind of glum tonight, I'm sorry. Really our visit and lunch was very special. Aunt Lorraine made spaghetti and meatballs and chocolate cake. Dolly came over from Walton. Uncle Jimmy looks so good to me. He has been through so much. I hope it was good for him to see Mom. I will say she was tired tonight. She has been in bed since about 7:30 and I haven't heard a peep from her. We'll see how the day goes tomorrow. I am savoring every day with her. Some nights I try and go over the day and things that happened and store them in my memory so I will be able to recall them when she is gone and remember all the happy things. Tonight I was sitting in the bathroom on the floor waiting for Mom to finish and she would reach down and rub my arm or my leg (it did feel good). It made me get tears in my eyes but, that is one more memory that is stored away for another time. So off I go to sleep so I have my strength up for whatever tomorrow may bring. I'm counting on a great day. Talk with everyone tomorrow.
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4 comments:
Thankfully you have this blog so all the memories you are making now will be preserved forever.
It is so very sad, that someone who was such a vibrant person, would spend the end of her life with a dulled mind. Looking back on Grandma's life, it seems we had too short a time with her in her fullness. That wrenches my heart if I think on it too long.
I often look forward to heaven. I plan on spending much of my time hanging out with Grandma and enjoying her the way I remember her. Busy, energetic, full of life. And to be able to have real conversations with her again. What a joy that will be! And Grandpa too. How awesome it will be to see him grin at me and pick on me, like he always did.
Chin up mother dear. You are doing an awesome job. And what a perfect way to say thank you to that amazing little woman who impacted so many lives.
Love you you both.
~Stacie
Oh Aunt Bonnie :( I hope you can cherish the good moments. I'm sending good thoughts your way for a good day tomorrow.
There really seems to be NOTHING fair about this wretched disease huh? The only comfort I can find is that God knows more than we do. I remember a few years ago Grams asked me why this was happening to her. While trying not to cry, the only thing I could say was that maybe it was because God thought she was stronger than many others, so she could handle it better. She replied with, "Maybe you're right..." and was content to let it go with that.
I hope God sees fit to reward her strength with a speedy trip to Glory. You are doing great Mom. Grams would be very proud of you. I love you both!
Aim
It was a combination of happy and sad wasn't it - bittersweet. What affected me was the look on Tom's face as he looked at Mom. He was like in shock and sad - couldn't believe what she'd become.
When you think about how excited she used to get about seeing Uncle Jimmy and yesterday nothing. We (esp. you) see the changes gradually but someone who walks in after a length of time is hit full force with it. It just makes it easier for all of us to let her go.
You are doing an amazing job and I'm sure they all saw that yesterday. I love you both!
Dolly
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